Fish On Film

Fish on Film

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A Letter to Roland

Mind Your Own Beeswax

Remember, there is no spoon

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Three is the Magic Number

March 5th 2010 23:12

I am really sorry, dear readers, that I have been absent for so long. I didn’t even realise I had been away until I received the dreaded email from Orble: ‘You haven’t entertained your readership (an offence as grave as stealing fizzy lifting drink), you put Baby in the corner, and we will close down Fish On Film. Hasta la vista, baby.’
I have truly been busy with stuff, but I don’t wish to bore you with details. Instead I have dug out an old film review for you. From the depth of my 500GB hard drive, I bring you a review that you probably don’t want to read, but it will keep Fish on Film alive, at least until I watch another Danny Elfman movie.

It’s not like I haven’t watched any films- I have! But none of them were worth writing blog about. Take ‘8 Mile’, for example. I loves Eminem but the only redeeming feature of that particular pile of crap was the sex scene. And you can’t base a review entirely on a sex scene, especially if one of the actors is now dead. It’s not done. At least not on FoF.
So I leave you with the thoughts I formulated in 2007 when my then-employer treated its employees to a free movie night every now and then, complete with free popcorn, ice cream and room-temperature CocaCola. When we came to attend this particular freebie, we’d already had a couple of employer-sponsored movie nights and funnily enough, the films we saw had all been parts of trilogies.
Was 2007 the year of the thirds, or what!?
So, Ocean’s 13 then…. In ye olde tradition, the pissheads among us went for a few schooners before subjecting ourselves to (what potentially would be) a disastrous movie. Unfortunately, we were so engrossed in our beer, that we forgot we had to attend a cinematic event. By the time we eventually arrived at the Greater Union on George Street, the film had started.

I couldn’t tell you how much we had missed, but let’s face it- there’s GC, BP, MD and Co. robbing stuff, yeah? It’s been the case for the last 2 films, so why would this be any different??
It wasn’t!
Now, I know you are dying for the review…
‘Ocean’s 13’ was the easy-listening version of movies. Very easy on the eye- majestic buildings, glittering diamonds and a guy coming out in hives. Seriously though, although not a fan of George Clooney or Brad Pitt (and don’t get me started on Matt Damon- why was he wearing a witch’s nose??), the film provided more eye candy than the previous two- Toby ‘Look I’m a dork’ Maguire and Orlando ‘Legolegs’ Bloom.
There was a bit of subtle humour as opposed to dorky Spiderman-jokes.
And most importantly of all, the spectacle didn’t go on for three days! The boys went in, planned a heist, stole shit, got robbed by a two-faced git and ended up…

WARNING- SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donating the 72 million dollars worth of diamonds they nicked to a children’s home…. Beautiful!
All in all a pleasant movie, though perhaps not worth rushing out to purchase the DVD. Of course, there were more company-sponsored movie nights and guess what the next one was? Yes, 'The Bourne Ultimatum'.

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You lose, good day Sir!

January 9th 2010 19:34

Happy New Year to you, my dear readers.
As promised, here is my first ‘Music-by-Danny-Elfman’-film review of 2010. And I am sad to report that it was completely and utterly rubbish.
Sure, the music was unmistakably Danny, very reminiscient in parts of Edward Scissorhands and Nightmare Before Christmas. But disappointingly the main character was made to portray a complete freak and with his white make up looked like the dying Freddie Mercury in the last Queen videos ‘I’m Going Slighty Mad’ and ‘These Are the Days of Our Lives’.
I am fully aware that Tim Burton likes to be freaky at times- Corpse Bride and Nightmare Before Christmas pay testament to that. And often he likes to cast Johnny Depp as chief freak, Edward Scissorhands, for example. However, if freakiness is all that Tim Burton is good at, he should have stayed well away from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
It is a heart-warming, child-friendly story, and that’s due to Roald Dahl. Yet Burton turned the whole thing into a frightening ghost train ride.
The side story of Willy Wonka growing up with his evil dentist father was unnecessary and quite frankly those all-face-encompassing dental braces were just ludicrous. Why the adult Willy Wonka then wears a woman’s wig is beyond my comprehension.
At least Freddie Highmore, the kid who plays Charlie, is very cute and I’ll be sure to take him down the pub as soon as he turns 18. (Having just checked imdb.com, I realise that will be in a mere couple of weeks. Valentine’s Day this year, to be precise.)
But why oh why was Willy Wonka made into a socially-awkward lunatic with a nervous giggle?
Very disappointing! If you haven’t seen the movie, rest assured you haven’t missed anything. Give me the old Gene Wilder version any day.
Now Tim Burton is currently trying his hand on turning Alice in Wonderland into a film. I dread to think what that’ll be like. It has Johnny Depp in it again. And of course, Danny Elfman will be providing the music. So I guess you can expect a review here on Fish on Film, even if it turns out as dire as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

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Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

December 28th 2009 12:47

Not long ago, I finished reading the book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep by Philip K. Dick and it was a bloody awesome read! But this is not a book review blog, is it. So let’s chat about the film instead: Blade Runner.
Directed by Ridley Scott in 1982, Blade Runner stars a rather delectable Harrison Ford. But other than the delectability of Mr. Ford, I am not sure what to make of it. I feel I am obliged to like it, because it’s a Ridley Scott movie. And everyone raves about Blade Runner, don’t they?
In fairness, I was very impressed with the set and how Dick’s vision of the future has been realised. Deliciously gloomy and depressing. And I thought Rutger Hauer as a crazed android was inspired casting. I just wish someone had warned me about what shall henceforth be known as ‘the eye scene’. The bit in the film where the crazed android Roy Batty pushes his maker’s head together, effectively squashing his brain, until his eyes start bleeding.
Daryl Hannah was also brilliant as another crazed android and the scene in which she starts convulsing and fitting after being shot is somewhat gruesome (nothing compared to the eye scene though).
But from reading the book, I didn’t imagine Rick Deckard to be quite so dark and depressed as Harrison Ford has us believe. Of course it is impossible for a film to contain every element of the book it is based on, so it is a shame that some of Philip K. Dick’s ideas remain unexplored, such as the ‘mood organ’ that Deckard’s wife uses to regularly download a dose of depression into her brain to keep her balanced.
However, my old mate Ridley did a fantastic job of showing the turmoil Deckard finds himself in when faced with replicant Rachael. Is it right to fancy an android when your job is to kill them?
You may by now have deduced that Blade Runner is a science fiction film, if you didn’t know that already. But don’t expect moronic spaceship battles or creatures in dire need of having their ears pinned back. You’re better off reflecting if we are really heading towards this world that Philip K. Dick envisioned and that Ridley Scott banned onto celluloid.
I would strongly recommend you read the book, but of you are too lazy to do that, you might as well watch Blade Runner. And if you like what you see and want more of Philip K. Dick’s genius, get ‘A Scanner Darkly’ and ‘Minority Report’ from your local video shop, too.

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New Year's Resolution

December 20th 2009 21:25

It’s a bitterly cold and snowy Sunday here, in my neck of the woods. So I figured, the best thing to do is crank up the heating and spend the day on the sofa watching a lot of silly pre-Christmas TV. I have been faced with a lot of film choices today and I ended up watching two in full: ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ (love that film!) and ‘The Family Man’ (too lazy to change channels). What I didn’t know, was that both movie’s soundtracks involved a man named Danny Elfman. His name popped up in the credits of both movies you see. And because the soundtrack to Nightmare Before Christmas is pretty awesome, I decided to look up this musical genius named Danny Elfman and from there I decided to make it my New Year’s resolution for 2010, to watch as many Danny Elfman movies as possible. Well, it’s better than vowing to give up smoking, especially as I did that back in 2005.
My new endeavour seemingly will include everything Tim Burton has ever laid hands on, but that’s fine by me.
The benefit to you, of course, is that I will not run out of movies to bitch about and therefore you will have a constant stream of drivel to read on this blog.
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A Letter to Roland

November 25th 2009 17:48

Dear Mr. Emmerich,

may I call you Roland, please?
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You've Got Mail

October 17th 2009 00:45

Dear readers,
I would like to apologise for my absence in the blogging world for the past few weeks. It’s astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes it’s toll.
The past month and a half feel like they were gone in 60 seconds!
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Mind Your Own Beeswax

September 8th 2009 23:47

According to an article on BBC.co.uk, 48-year old Colin Firth is criticising actors and actresses who are having plastic surgery.
Whilst I am no fan of plastic surgery myself, me thinks Mr. Firth should be taking a long, hard look at himself. Have you seen yourself in Mamma Mia, Colin???
It was easily the most disastrous movie I have seen in a long while. It was so bad, I had to stop half way through. Luckily, I was on a plane from Kuala Lumpur to Sydney when I saw the film. Well, the first half of it, anyway. Otherwise I would have had to walk out of the cinema and I have never done that! My friend did it once, during Benjamin Button. She was bored to death by the curiosities, or whatever his ailment was. I, however, have always put on a brave face and sat through whatever atrocity was presented to me. But not so with Mamma Mia!. It is the worst plot in modern movie history ever! Some slut gets it on with three different dudes in, what, a week? And get’s knocked up by one of them. So the offspring that results invites all three possible father figures to her wedding and one of them turns out to be gay (or so I’ve been told, I didn’t make it that far). Purr-lease!!! But not only that. Dear readers, Mamma Mia is a musical. AND NONE OF THE ACTORS IN IT CAN SING!!!! It is soul-destroying! Has it not occurred to anyone else that this must be someone’s idea of a cruel joke? Is everyone, apart from me, taking this movie semi-seriously??
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Remember, there is no spoon

August 31st 2009 17:59

Matrix Revolutions is a bit of a rubbish movie, wouldn’t you say, dear readers?
It’s the Wachowsky brothers remembering the ten-year old boys inside them wanting nothing more than blow shit up. And that’s all there is to this film, sadly. Yes, of course Neo saves the world and humanity and what not, but all that is drowned in the unnecessarily long battle scenes and the gory stuff (like sliced up faces and gauged out eyes, Resident Evil-style). It’s like Andy and Larry didn’t really have to put any effort into this one, because people were going to watch it regardless. Not least because Matrix Reloaded ended with the mother of all cliffhangers- the line ‘To Be Continued’ splashed menacingly across the screen in Matrix-green.
And fair play to the brothers Wachowsky, they captivated us and (if the movies are to be believed) our stunted imagination with parts one and two.
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Rock'n Roll

August 12th 2009 10:08

Today, dear readers, I bring you a fail-safe recipe for getting a positive film review out of me.
Here goes: take the simplest of plots, so I can understand it (no intricacies, no time travel and no nonsense in outer space). Add a cast of the finest British actors (perhaps Bill Nighy, Rhys Ifans or Kenneth Brannagh). Throw in the mix a kick-arse soundtrack, et voilà, Fish on Film Headquarters is VERY happy indeed.
Setting the film on a boat is optional, of course, but undoubtedly adds to the charm.
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Live long and prosper

August 6th 2009 07:54

Today, dear readers, I am writing to you from aboard a plane. Where I have just had the pleasure of viewing ‘Star Trek’.
I was a little thrown at the beginning of the movie when Home & Away’s Kim Hyde (Chris Hemsworth) came charging across my screen. Don’t get me wrong- I LOVE Home & Away. Some people may even use the term ‘obsessed’, but seeing Kim on a space ship was a little weird, that’s all. They don’t usually have spaceships in Summer Bay you see.
Anyhoo, Chris, of course, wasn’t playing Kim Hyde, he was George Kirk, Captain of the starship Enterprise. For all of 12 minutes, anyway. As his wife gives birth to a screaming bundle, later known James Tiberius Kirk, George sacrifices himself to save the life of his crew, his wife and his newborn son, Armagedon-style.
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