Sim1Wot?!
June 16th 2009 07:33
As another Sydney winter day drew to a horrible and rainy close, I decided it was time once again to ramp up the pay TV package and prepare for a blissful season of sitting on the couch and watching rubbish TV. And so I came across the 2007 disaster that is ‘I Know Who Killed Me’.
The title alone was a big turn off (the TV) for me and the fact that Lindsay Lohan was in it did nothing to endear the film to me further. But it just so happened that it was on in the background while I was doing other stuff and I kept catching glimpses of it and hearing bits of dialogue and I was intrigued. And so I gave in to the ‘car crash syndrome’, you know when something is so horrible you can’t help looking at it, and I watched the whole thing. I’m not entirely sure what genre it was meant to be. It had some elements of horror, a bit thriller, a bit of suspense, some pole dancing and sex scenes thrown in for good measure...suffice to say it’s recommended for mature audiences.
So we have Aubrey Fleming, all American girl-next-door. A golden girl who’s aspiring to be a writer and she is just starting out seeing this gormless, innocent looking high school boy (bless you Brian Geraghty). So all is sweet until Aubrey is kidnapped when out one evening with her girlfriends. You will need to suspend your sense of disbelief here, because how Aubrey could have been abducted in a town heaving with people returning from a football match is beyond me. Anyway, 17 days later, she is found on the side of the road. She’s alive but the charming person who took her kindly cut off an arm and a leg. So when Aubrey comes around in hospital, she claims to be called Dakota Moss and having no idea who this Aubrey chick is. ‘Dakota’ tells her story to a shrink- she talks about the fact that her mum was a junkie and died 7 months ago of an overdose and that before she woke up in hospital, Dakota was, in fact, a lapdancer. The film shows all this- Dakota finding her dead mother, Dakota dancing in next to nothing to amuse the gentlemen. The flashback scenes featuring Dakota are all red-themed, whereas anything to do with Aubrey is blue. I quite liked the colour-themes idea, it was so beautifully naff. But the main reason I kept sitting through this less than average cinematic masterpiece was that I wanted to know what the hell happened to Aubrey to make her think she’s Dakota. I couldn’t come up with a plausible explanation in my head. The police in the movie uncover a story that Aubrey was working on and yes, you guessed it, she was writing a story about one Dakota. Perhaps the makers should have left it at that, but no, the car crash continues.
The gory bits are quite cool, actually. The bit where the evil serial killer freezes Aubrey’s hand first before cutting it off, for example. And the bit where Dakota’s rotten middle finger falls off in her dressing room. Muahahahaha. And as she sits on the bus with her hand dripping with blood, a random gentleman using the same mode of transport as our Dakota, offers some profound wisdom: ‘People get cut. That’s life.’ Shit, is it? Is THAT what life is all about? Getting cut? Man, I wish I’d known that earlier.
But what really takes the biscuit is the ending. In a scene reminiscent of ‘Cherry Falls’ Dakota/ Aubrey remembers the house she was held in and she persuades her dad to take her there (this is the scene right after she sits at the cemetery and looks at her own grave before the name on the gravestone changes....) There is some realisation thrown in that Dakota and Aubrey are twins and one of them was stolen by their dad from the incubator at the hospital, or something...All this is covered in 15 seconds so you are a bit like ‘Wot? What just happened?’ But before you can think about that any further, Aubrey’s deranged piano teacher (!) has killed her dad and for some reason he has prosthetic legs hanging everywhere in his house and when Aubrey/ Dakota/ whatever her name stabs him in the chest and then the neck, said piano teacher still manages a jog around the block...And it is at this stage you just want to poke chop sticks into your eyes or chew on a wasp, because both options are infinitely more pleasant.
So after all that, I am still not 100% sure what happened there and what the reason was behind the Aubrey & Dakota mix up but quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse. No wonder that this movie won the Razzie Award for ‘Worst Film 2007’.
I’m thinking of scaling down my pay TV package again....
The title alone was a big turn off (the TV) for me and the fact that Lindsay Lohan was in it did nothing to endear the film to me further. But it just so happened that it was on in the background while I was doing other stuff and I kept catching glimpses of it and hearing bits of dialogue and I was intrigued. And so I gave in to the ‘car crash syndrome’, you know when something is so horrible you can’t help looking at it, and I watched the whole thing. I’m not entirely sure what genre it was meant to be. It had some elements of horror, a bit thriller, a bit of suspense, some pole dancing and sex scenes thrown in for good measure...suffice to say it’s recommended for mature audiences.
But what really takes the biscuit is the ending. In a scene reminiscent of ‘Cherry Falls’ Dakota/ Aubrey remembers the house she was held in and she persuades her dad to take her there (this is the scene right after she sits at the cemetery and looks at her own grave before the name on the gravestone changes....) There is some realisation thrown in that Dakota and Aubrey are twins and one of them was stolen by their dad from the incubator at the hospital, or something...All this is covered in 15 seconds so you are a bit like ‘Wot? What just happened?’ But before you can think about that any further, Aubrey’s deranged piano teacher (!) has killed her dad and for some reason he has prosthetic legs hanging everywhere in his house and when Aubrey/ Dakota/ whatever her name stabs him in the chest and then the neck, said piano teacher still manages a jog around the block...And it is at this stage you just want to poke chop sticks into your eyes or chew on a wasp, because both options are infinitely more pleasant.
So after all that, I am still not 100% sure what happened there and what the reason was behind the Aubrey & Dakota mix up but quite frankly, I don’t give a rat’s arse. No wonder that this movie won the Razzie Award for ‘Worst Film 2007’.
I’m thinking of scaling down my pay TV package again....
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