Sim1Leon’s 10 worst things you can put in a film
April 6th 2007 09:07
If I'm Spanish how come I don't have an accent
It’s like making an actor look really old at the end of a “journey” film. If it’s not perfect it’s ugly. If you need an actor to sound Spanish – get a Spanish actor. Unless you want that look. I did a German accent in Bloodspit. I just tried to be Udo Kerr. It works in B-grade.
- Actors pretending to play instruments
Same as accents – wears thin real soon. Say if you were going to get someone to play Jimi Hendrix but they couldn’t actually play the guitar – why not go all the way and get Tom Cruise doing air guitar and miming the words. Hey, that would work.
- Mismatched romantic couples
You get this really old actor who’s got some box-office go-go and you throw in this gorgeous rising young star and they fall in love and maybe do the business… The film’s dead in the water. You treat your audience like idiots and the only ones left are your new best friends – idiots.
- Actors playing twins
I never see the point. People know it’s the same actor playing the two roles – suddenly everyone realises it’s just actors and the movie magic goes and like I said – what’s the point?
- Sex scenes without nudity
You get a brand new car but you’re not aloud to buy petrol. You’re sitting in front of the juiciest T-bone steak you’ve ever seen but someone’s got your teeth. You can see the beer on the other side of the room but you’re in a full body cast from last weeks boating accident.
- Bad Cameos
So uncle bill puts in $10 bucks towards the movie budget and gets to play the butcher. In B-grade it works but bad actors playing big parts just because you owe them – that’s not a good look.
- Smultchy messages
Never use your audience for self analysis. And never slap on thick rants and expect people to listen or like it. Try it at a party one time and see how many people stick round. Having the President jump in a fighter jet saving the planet in Independence Day – that’s SMULTCH.
- Way off tie-up endings
You know how some movies barrel along like they’re in la-la land and then suddenly five minutes before the end they have to tie up all the loose ends. In a hurry. I hate that.
- Token characters
If the world you live in has social minority issues, having one of everybody in a movie isn’t going to make any difference. Tom Cruise playing Jimi Hendrix – now that would send the right message.
- Product placement
James Bond drives an Astin Martin because it’s cool. He hasn’t always – there’s been a Lotus and even a Toyota... But Fed Ex in Castaway, United Airlines in The Terminal, Super Size Me and the Golden Arches and The Spice Girls in…wait I guess that doesn’t count. And let’s not forget every time an actor flips open a laptop it’s an Apple. If you like shopping it probably works for you.
Until next time and happy film-making.
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Comment by Anonymous
Hey, I know that's an easy and somewhat cliched joke, but someone had to say it.
~kennedy
Comment by Nina