Sim1Kriss Kross will make ya, Jump! Jump!
June 23rd 2009 10:06
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that girls like clothes. Imagine my excitement, when someone made a movie called ‘Jumper’! Yes, maybe a jumper is not the most fashionable item of clothing, but it’s practical and it keeps you warm and everyone has one.
And now imagine my disappointment when I realised it was about a bank robbing freak!
‘Jumper’ (the movie, not the garment) starts out with this kid in mortal danger who ‘jumps’ himself out of said danger and into....yes, you guessed it, a library.
If every troubled child on this earth could teleport themselves into a library somewhere...well, wouldn’t that be magic! I would start believing in love at first sight again.
There’s magic, and there are libraries, it’s clearly based on Harry Potter.
So if you were to make a movie about someone with special powers, what would you name your main character? That’s right, David.
And teenage David turns into Anakin Skywalker, sorry, adult David (Hayden Christensen) and he becomes lazy quite early on. He can’t even be bothered to walk anymore, jumping from his bedroom to the kitchen! And to top it all off, he transports himself into a bank using his jumping abilities and robs the place! I thought superheros were meant to change the world for the better, not rob banks and live happily ever after from the profits? And if all Jumpers robbed banks, would there be any money left in the world?
Luckily, every bank robbing freak has a nemesis. In this instance, it’s a very white-haired Samuel L. Jackson (WHAT was he thinking?). He goes round killing Jumpers, because (I quote) ‘You are an abomination.’ Man, that is my favourite word of all times! Abomination.
The misguided director Doug Liman obviously likes ‘Back to the Future’, or why else would David be hanging from my favourite landmark in the world- Big Ben, I wonder?
Oooh and then it turns into ‘Ghostbusters’. With the machine to catch Jumpers. (people who teleport, not sweatshirts).
At some point, Billy Elliot turns up. Sorry, Griffin. (much better hero name, if you ask me) He’s a fellow Jumper and rescues David out of all sorts of trouble. I must admit, part of the reason why I sat through this shambles of a movie, was that I wanted to see how Jamie Bell (‘Billy Elliot’) has turned out. I am undecided as yet, maybe I need to wait for ‘Jumper 2’ due to be released in 2011 (God help us!)
The only redeeming feature in this film for me was the scene when David, the ‘Banker’ and Milly, his highschool sweetheart first have sex. First time sex is awkward, right? Beautifully depicted here. And it must have been even more awkward given that, according to the film, David and Milly meet each other when they are kids and then re-meet some 15 years later and bang, they’re a couple! I wonder if I’m missing something here?
It is quite possible, because I had to start drinking heavily half-way through the movie, in order to be able to sit through it all.
They probably should have called it ‘Teleporter’ or ‘Locationhopper’, so that people wouldn’t think it was fashion-related and subsequently sit through this nonsense for 2 hours.
Normally, the word I’d use to describe ‘Jumper’ would be LAME. But that wouldn’t cut it- it’s an abomination.
And now imagine my disappointment when I realised it was about a bank robbing freak!
‘Jumper’ (the movie, not the garment) starts out with this kid in mortal danger who ‘jumps’ himself out of said danger and into....yes, you guessed it, a library.
If every troubled child on this earth could teleport themselves into a library somewhere...well, wouldn’t that be magic! I would start believing in love at first sight again.
So if you were to make a movie about someone with special powers, what would you name your main character? That’s right, David.
And teenage David turns into Anakin Skywalker, sorry, adult David (Hayden Christensen) and he becomes lazy quite early on. He can’t even be bothered to walk anymore, jumping from his bedroom to the kitchen! And to top it all off, he transports himself into a bank using his jumping abilities and robs the place! I thought superheros were meant to change the world for the better, not rob banks and live happily ever after from the profits? And if all Jumpers robbed banks, would there be any money left in the world?
Luckily, every bank robbing freak has a nemesis. In this instance, it’s a very white-haired Samuel L. Jackson (WHAT was he thinking?). He goes round killing Jumpers, because (I quote) ‘You are an abomination.’ Man, that is my favourite word of all times! Abomination.
The misguided director Doug Liman obviously likes ‘Back to the Future’, or why else would David be hanging from my favourite landmark in the world- Big Ben, I wonder?
At some point, Billy Elliot turns up. Sorry, Griffin. (much better hero name, if you ask me) He’s a fellow Jumper and rescues David out of all sorts of trouble. I must admit, part of the reason why I sat through this shambles of a movie, was that I wanted to see how Jamie Bell (‘Billy Elliot’) has turned out. I am undecided as yet, maybe I need to wait for ‘Jumper 2’ due to be released in 2011 (God help us!)
The only redeeming feature in this film for me was the scene when David, the ‘Banker’ and Milly, his highschool sweetheart first have sex. First time sex is awkward, right? Beautifully depicted here. And it must have been even more awkward given that, according to the film, David and Milly meet each other when they are kids and then re-meet some 15 years later and bang, they’re a couple! I wonder if I’m missing something here?
It is quite possible, because I had to start drinking heavily half-way through the movie, in order to be able to sit through it all.
They probably should have called it ‘Teleporter’ or ‘Locationhopper’, so that people wouldn’t think it was fashion-related and subsequently sit through this nonsense for 2 hours.
Normally, the word I’d use to describe ‘Jumper’ would be LAME. But that wouldn’t cut it- it’s an abomination.
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