Sim1I have a (teenage) crush
December 4th 2010 23:12
Today, we are talking about teenage crushes.
Of course, I am not going to bore you with stories of that boy at school, Marko, I used to be madly in love with when I was 13. It’s more about movie stars we used to adore (and maybe still do) when we were in our teenage years.
Depending on people’s age, these may include Humphrey Bogart, Richard Gere or Zac Effron. For the girls and the gay boys, anyway.
For the straight boys, we may be talking Marylin Monroe, Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia or Megan Fox, yes?
Let me share with you, my dear readers, who I fell in love with when I was 12. It was Michael Biehn. If you read this blog regularly, you will know this already, but for the benefit of my new fans....I first saw the guy in the two-part TV thriller ‘Deadly Intentions’. I used to have that on tape and watch it over and over again until the tape nearly snapped. Although I must admit, it scared me, every time. As my beloved played a psychopath and he did it oh so well. Later on, in his career, he would often resume the part of psychopath.
It’s interesting, he’s one of James Cameron’s golden boys, yet very few people recognise him by name. So for those of you, dear readers, who have never heard of the man, let me put it in a different way: Kyle Reece in 'Terminator'. Lt. Coffey in 'The Abyss' (psycho). Corporal Hicks in 'Aliens' (slightly evil). He’s been in one of my favourite TV series of all times, too: 'Criminal Minds'. And no, he wasn’t a serial killer, he was the sheriff. He was a sheriff in ‘Cherry Falls’, too. Did you ever see that? Awesome, good old-fashioned trashy movie, starring Brittany Murphy, God rest her soul. He was in 'The Rock', too. And 'Jade' and 'The Art of War' and....anyhoo, I’m not here to talk about Michael Biehn today.
Pierre Cosso.
He played Phillippe Berthier in the cult European teen movie ‘La Boum2’ and he was awesome. So imagine my state of bliss, when, in 1984, he played the starring role of Mizio in the mini-TV series ‘Cinderella ’80’. The TV series was later (in Italy & Germany) released as one movie and renamed ‘Cinderella ’87’ and my sister got me that same movie on DVD for Christmas! Yes, yes, I know it’s not Christmas yet, but I won’t see her for crimbo this year, so we’ve exchanged presents already. It’s not like we’re 12 anymore, expecting Santa Claus to turn up and having crushes on young Algerian boys named Pierre Cosso.
In exchange for my trip down teenage memory lane, I gave her the freakshow that is Johnny Depp in 'Alice in Wonderland' on DVD. I think it might be fair to say, that Johnny Depp is to my sister what Pierre Cosso is to me.
So tonight (I am feeling a little worse for wear after last night’s work Christmas party), I felt in need of a little treat, so I am watching ‘Cinderella ’87’. Oh it is so beautifully lame! It is a classic 80’s flick. I know once upon a time, we considered films like ‘Casablanca’ classics, but as we are heading straight for the year 2011, 80’s films must enter that particular genre, too, surely?
Pierre Cosso was 23 when he made this movie and it’s just a great big cheese festival. He is wearing his hair in what can only be described as a curly perm, he has eyebrows that no self-respecting metrosexual in the year 2010 would even consider and I am not sure if he’s just got seriously dense and long eyelashes or if he’s wearing mascara and eye-liner. I suspect a bit of both.
As with any true love story (and this film is a modern take on the Cinderella story), you need a female counterpart. Cue Miss Bonnie Bianco, pert little thing, also wearing her hair in a curly perm and sporting white jeans throughout the film (and matching cheap white plastic Casio watch like we all wore them in 1984.)
Of course, Cindy is ever so virtuous. No-one had one night stands in the 80’s, did they? And they all went to a nightclub...I’m sorry....They all went to a disco ordering fruit juice.
Once you’ve got the virtuous, permed cast in place, you must add cheesy music. I have the soundtrack to ‘Cinderella ’87’, complete with heart-rendering ballads a la Jonnie Logan and synthesizer pop tracks that are completely non-descript and unmemorable. The ballads, by the way. are essential for film scenes in which two people meet in a disco, everyone is dancing along to non-descript unmemorable synthesizer tunes and suddenly, there’s a piano. No one’s dancing anymore because the two people in question are suddenly performing a duet together. A duet of a Jonnie Logan-style ballad.
Watch it here, if you don't believe me.
Really Long LinkIn the 80’s, it was also acceptable to slap a woman, so in any respectable 1980’s cinematic trash event, a scene to that effect must be added. Along with comedy mistaken-identity scenarios and overly pompous arguments.
Aaah, they just don’t make movies like ‘Cinderella ’80’ anymore, do they? Nowadays, it’s all about ending worlds, blue-painted creatures and alien invasions.
Take some time out, dear readers, and go back to the decade of bad taste. Nobody puts Pierre Cosso in the corner!
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