Eric SamulskiCinema Viewing Stories
January 8th 2007 03:59
Lovin' by Norma Rabbit
A couple of years ago we put together this book of stories by film-makers and film-watchers. Sort of had both sides of the story.
I’ve picked out three of the film-viewer’s stories.
back off, video idiot
by Holly Delasandro
For my fortieth birthday I got myself a tattoo and started dating a twenty year old called Kenny. The sex was athletic but the dinner conversation woeful.
One night Kenny suggested we rent a video. When we entered the video store he headed straight for the section containing the wrestling videos. I immediately man-handled Kenny down to the blue industrial carpet tiles. He was pinned as I applied a full lock with a sleeper twist exserting maximum tension to his neck. I whispered in his ear.
“If you think…Mr Man, that I’ve spent twenty years of my life being nice to people I hate so I can become financially secure, only to sit through ninety-five minutes of mindless entertainment filled with steroid soaked idiots in their underwear – think again.”
We finally reached a compromise. Seafood pizza, a case of Crown Lager and Mad Max.
Kenny loved the motorbikes and I appreciated the sentiment – indeed, life is a journey.
drive-in movie
by Boss Beat
All the major events in my life have been affected in some way by the evil spectre of the drive-in theatre.
As a child I accidentally found out how babies were made when I returned to the car a bit too early from the playground to find Mum and Dad going at it. A few months after that, I found out where babies come from when Mum gave birth to my sister in the back of the car.
Surprisingly, I went ahead with the obligatory first date to the drive-in when I got my P plates and boy was that a fiasco. Not only did she shut me down, she even questioned my sexuality.
After a bit of experimentation, I persisted with girls but every time I went to the drive-in, something traumatic would happen. I have since learnt CPR but just to make sure have refused point-blank to take Mrs Beat to the drive-in (no matter how horny we get).
Hello, my name is Boss Beat and I’m a drive-in-a-phoebe.
It’s taken me years to come to terms with this awful realisation and with your support I will work through my issues to help make me a valuable member of society again.
cinematic nervosa: viewing ridley scott’s alien cold in 1979
by Gas Wylde
In 1979 I took a girlfriend to see a new space flick called Alien. The forward press promised FX and sets on a previously never seen before scale. Other than that I hadn’t paid the slightest attention to what the movie was about. As a young couple we were quite new to each other so it seemed that if I were to secure good lovin’ from this lass, then a virtual flight through time and space might well put my lady friend “in the mood.”
A shopping centre cinema in sleepy northern Brisbane was the venue for what I imagined would be another light-hearted romp through the reaches of intergalactic space.
When the crew of the space tug “Nostromo” are evacuated back to the ship on the forbidden planet with Kane (John Hurt) wearing a Balmain Bug on his face I sensed that the aphrodisiac potential of the flick was wanning. When Kane’s chest summarily explodes at the dinner table and the cinematic equivalent of a vampire mollusc erupts in a splatter of steaming gore, I remember us in foetal positions behind theatre seats screaming. Happily the effect I’d been seeking was inadvertently achieved. Ridley Scott’s thriller had indeed brought us closer together.
We were eventually separated by Hoyts cinema staff.
Extracts from:
Tales of the Cinematic Experience
www.independencejones.com
Until next time and happy film-making.
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